So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
