she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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