Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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