i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
