Old men and throwing up are my life now.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
