ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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