Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
