i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
