I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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