apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize