Just cropdusted the office
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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