Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
