my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize