you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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