My Higher Power is John Stamos
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
