I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
did i walk over a car last night?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
