I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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