I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
