Just fell off a train. Bad.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
