Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
