this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
