I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
