i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
