dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
