if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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