census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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