I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
