When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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