Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
