my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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