god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
