I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
