The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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