can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
