mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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