I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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