So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
