need another drink. this is the easiest way
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
