Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
