he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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