They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
