I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
