I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
