i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
