The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
