my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize