do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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