I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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