got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
