This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
he shaved USA in his pubs
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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