The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
