the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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