Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
