in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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