My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
