Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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