I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
