i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
