I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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