please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
