Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
