my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
