I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Randomize
