Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Houston, we have a squirter
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
i out mim tonsoeep
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